Thank god for Sierra

I have never liked children and have never wanted children. Recently that has changed. Every time I see a cute kid on the tube I just cant stop staring at it and thinking how adorable it is and how I'd like to have one of my own. I don't know what set off this kind of thinking and emotion but I have been giving it quite a lot of thought. Obviously I am not planning to having children any time soon, but now I can definitely see myself having a kid. I guess I'm growing up and now that I have moved away from my family back at home, I don't have that family environment around me anymore and I guess I finally feel like I want to have a family of my own in the future. This comes as a shock to me as I have always thought that I will be a bachelorette, party and be single until 35 and then probably die of a drug overdose. I had absolutely no problem with that, in fact I liked that plan very much. Perhaps its teenage mentality that I am now moving on from.

I remember when I was about 16 years old I really wanted a baby and I wanted it then at that specific time although I knew that it was irrational and would never happen it didn't stop me from wanting it. I talked to the school counselor (i used him to escape math class back in the day) and he told me that perhaps I was feeling like this because I was lonely and because I wanted someone to love and protect and to receive unconditional love from, I had the desire to be needed and depended on. Maybe that could apply at the current situation, although I wouldn't consider myself lonely, I have an amazing boyfriend who I am deeply in love with and as far as I know he loves me very much as well. Maybe its the desire for someone to absolutely NEED you and depend on you entirely and the want to take care of someone very vulnerable and innocent. Is that my motherly instincts finally waking up inside me? I would say its about time.

I think for now, I am going to have to replace having a kid by buying a dog See if I still want a kid after having to pick up my dogs shit off the street. haa

I am so deeply in love I cant even express it. He is so perfect, he is everything to me. I cannot imagine what I would do without him now that I have him. I am so afraid that I am not good enough of a girlfriend to him, i want to be bettter, i want to be perfect. i want to do everything right, i want to make him smile 24/7, he deserves the best. We are so different, we are like two opposites, but I guess that is what makes us such a good couple. I can see myself being with him forever, I could never stop loving him. He does everything right, he never makes me upset or angry, we never fight. I dont know if I make him feel the same way, I hope I do, because the way he makes me feel is absolutely amazing. For the first time in my life I am so in love that other men simply dont exist to me, I dont even see them. They can be fucking attractive and be throwing themselves at me but all i see them as is a nuisance, like annoying insects that just wont fuck off. There is only one man for me and I love everything about him and he is the only one who has every made me want to be the best version of myself. He is the only one who makes me a better person. He is the only person I would every change for, and all he would have to do is ask. I love him.

All these fat and ugly girls keep blogging and complaining that they are too fat to wear skinny jeans and that their ankles dont fit into boots. Well here is an idea for you, stop blogging and moaning about it and get off your ass and GO TO THE GYM or stop stuffing your face with food. Don't make excuses! "I'm not fat but my ankles are chubby and don't fit into boots." Sorry to break it to you, but if your ankles are "chubby" to the extent that boots just wont zip up, I'm sure the rest of you isn't slim, in fact I'm pretty sure your fucking fat. I've heard of people gaining weight in their tummy, ass, love handles areas and such, but ANKLES?! No. Its time for you to go to the GYM and stop eating McDonalds. No need to comment on their lovelyish posts and say, "oh ur not fat its a common problem" or there is nothing wrong with being "curvy" or that "curvy" is beautiful. Get over it, ur not "curvy" ur FAT and there IS something wrong with it. Its unhealthy and unflattering and people point and laugh at you! Cellulite is NOT beautiful its revolting.
If you think your ugly and boys dont give you enough attention during lunch time in the cafeteria as they do to the "popular" girls even though u are approximately 13 years old then stop moaning about it and do something about it. They arent giving u enough attention simply because it HURTS to look at you, so why look at you if they can look at someone much more attractive? Get your hair done, do your make-up, do your nails, stay in shape and you can also be beautiful. Everyone can be beautiful, so stop moaning about it and if you think your not good enough, get on it and get better. Nothing will change with you blogging about it.

I will not tell you just yet, because I don't want to come on too strong and scare you. Every time i think of you, I smile, every time i think of us together it makes me feel so good inside. It makes me happy. Its easy. This is how it always should have been. I have no doubts and concerns, all I want to do is be the best, be the best person I can for you. I want to make you smile, make you happy and make you feel the way that I feel right now. I want to share everything with you, I want you to know everything about me and I want to know everything about you. I cant wait to get so close to each other that we might as well be one. When I am with you I feel amazing, you feel amazing to touch. I can't believe that you are mine. My only fear is losing you and even thought we are no where as close as we will get, the thought brings tears to my eyes. Now that I know what it feels like to be held by you, to hug you in return and to know that you have dedicated yourself to me, I can never imagine living without you. Is it too soon to feel this way? After all we have been close for several months. I am in over myself. I have never lost my mind like this. I am afraid, scared of what this will grow in to. As my feelings for you grow stronger, so does my fear of loss. I need you to reassure me that wont happen. I hope your feelings for me are at least slightly as strong as mine are for you. I don't think they are as I am no where near good enough. I will try to be. I will be my best for you...

...but for now I will remain afraid, as I keep falling deeper in love with you.