I want to take some time to think about the men in my life who in some way have effected me and will forever hold a special place in my heart. Whether they were past lovers, boyfriends, friends, or just someone I spent a few amazing days with, I want to acknowledge them and realize how they have contributed to the person that I am now. How they have effected my life.

Keegan
Whether or not you were my first love I'm not sure. Love or not, it was a teenage romance. You were very special to me, at the time what I thought I knew love was, it was definitely what I felt for you. One of the most painful moments in my life, a moment I will never forget, a moment that still brings tears to my eyes was when I said goodbye to you. Watching you walk away, knowing that I will never see you again. I wanted to run after you, but I knew I couldn't so I was left to stand there, watching you as you walk away. Watching as one of the most precious people to me at the time walked out of my life forever. Maggie and I collapsed right there in the middle of the sidewalk, in each others arms, hysterically crying for a friend who we would never see again. This definitely was one of the most painful good-byes I've ever endured. If only I knew that the rest of my life I would have to deal with good-byes just like these, that piece by piece would shatter my heart.

Cody
You are my reflection. You hold a huge a part of my heart and my life. I have known you for a long time, you have been my boyfriend, my lover, and you still are my best friend. You are the one person who I feel would never judge me. For every embarrassing crazy story and confession I have to tell you, you will tell me an even wilder similar story in return. You have a psychic ability when it comes to calling me while I am in the shower, whatever country you are in England, Ukraine, Spain, Germany you will call me while I am in the shower. You are the male version of me, which is why both you and me agree, that we could never date. I never want to date myself, because I know what I am capable of and I think that you agree with me on this one. I see so much in you, you might not realize this but I have immense amount of respect for you. As wild, crazy, stupid and irrational as you can often be, you are extremely fucking smart and talented. You have a brilliant mind, so much ambition its unreal. You are going to be a huge success, you already are! I value you as a friend very much, and I really appreciate that you don't forget me and remain one of my closest friends. You are among the very small group of people I call friends for life. People who remain with me forever and always no matter where in the world or in life we are. I love you

Adam
You and I spent a lot of time together. Ups and downs. I loved you, I've had so many amazing moments with you. You have definitely contributed to shaping my individuality and hold a big part of the person that I am now. You were my high school sweetheart, my first real relationship. I have learned so much from you, about relationships, about men. Our personalities clashed, we fought and we argued, I treated you like dirt. I am sorry for that. I think that you have given me one of the most valuable lessons in life. The relationship we had was far from perfect, however I think that everyone must go through a relationship like that. From it I learned and I know what to stay away from in the future because I know the outcome. I believed in you, I'm not sure that you have lived up to what I thought you could be, yet. You loved me, unconditionally. That is so rare. Thank you for giving me your love, I will remember it forever, I will remember you forever. You are a great person and I hope you will achieve all your goals and become what you aspire to be. Don't lose your ambition and don't let women like me fuck you over and stay in the way of your dream.

Ian
No man has ever been able to make me as crazy for them as you have. I have never been as infatuated by anyone as I was by you. You are one of the sexiest men I have ever met. Your charm, your macho attitude. All women are yours. I don't know how you do it, but females go crazy for you. My knees still go weak when I think of you. I have always thought of myself as a very powerful person, I never let anyone have full control of me, I never let myself crave anyone to the point that I am ready to drop at their feet craving their attention and love. You made me lose my mind. I was crazy for you. I didn't love you, no. However I was absolutely out of my mind, crazy head over heels infatuated by you. You are such a powerful personality. I aspire to be like you and to be able to control people and have the amount of power over the opposite sex as you do. You are a sex god.

Pavlo
The happiest I have ever been, I was with you. I will forever remember that feeling, my thoughts, the moment I realized how happy I was. I was walking down Lime Grove, on a sunny, warm London day and I was thinking about life and about you and everything was right, everything was perfect, you were perfect, we were perfect. I could see my entire life with you. The love you gave me was incredible. You are an amazing individual, almost perfect. The kindest person I have ever met in my life. Beautiful, smart and extremely kind, three qualities which are rarely found in one person. You are going to be very successful and very rich, I don't even have to tell you that. Your ambition is incredible, its inspiring. I hope that you will remember what really is important in life, and thats the people around you and yourself. Don't become your job, because when you become your job, your amazing qualities disappear, and you become just that, your job and nothing else.

EJ
You are a very interesting personality. Very dominating, insistent and overpowering. You and I have had amazing times together, the most fun I have ever had with anyone. We are very similar in some aspects, however very different. I cherish the experiences and moments we have had together, however I can't help but have some feelings of resentment toward you. I believe that on some levels you are responsible for ruining my perfect life and first perfect relationship in which I couldn't have possibly imagined to be happier. That aside, I want to thank you for all the knowledge you gave me. I have learned so much from you, I believe it is thanks to you that I now know what my true passion is and what I really want to do in life, you have helped me find myself, discover what I really want be. The days and weeks on end we spent wasted I will always remember forever. The laughter, the craziness, what we did. One of the most fucked up moments of my life was with you, I showed you a part of myself that i have never showed ANYONE. It is the part of me which I never let anyone see, its the fucked up and twisted part of me. It was a level of intimacy that is beyond me, I can't even put it into words. Looking back at it, it scares me. I hope you understand which moment I am talking about, the moment that left a scar. It will forever stay between you and I, and I believe that I will never share a moment as private as this with anyone else in my life. You have potential to be a huge success, you already are. One piece of advice I have for you is don't let your ego rule your life. It will blind you. We are nothing but a reflection of the world and others, keep that in mind.

Aaron
I was very lucky to have met you. I wish we could have spent more time together, we only had a few short days together, but in those days I feel like you effected me. i told you when you were leaving, that you are special to me and always will be. You are one of the most wonderful people I've ever met. I loved hearing stories about your life, your experiences, your wisdom and your advice. You are a beautiful human being. You met me in a moment of darkness, you brought me happiness for those few short days that we spent together and I thank you so much for that. You are extremely kind with a huge heart. I don't know if we will ever meet again, either way, I will remember you forever and you have that special place in my heart. That you for providing me with those desperately needed hugs and cuddles. Hopefully one day I will be able to help you like you helped me, make you smile. Stay strong Aaron, you are an angel.

Tom Rawlings
You and I were best friends, I don't remember how we got so close but I remember the times we had together. You were my perfect cuddly bear to hug. We were friends through quite dark period of both our lives. I remember we would stay in forever, talking, hugging and listening to Bullet for my Valentine. That band will forever remind me of you. You are wonderful person, very talented, I remember you playing the piano at my house, you were beautiful. It's sad that we drifted apart, either way I will remember you forever, you have a special place in my heart. Remain the amazing, talented, musical human being that you are. I wish you success.

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.” neil gaiman

Thank god for Sierra

I have never liked children and have never wanted children. Recently that has changed. Every time I see a cute kid on the tube I just cant stop staring at it and thinking how adorable it is and how I'd like to have one of my own. I don't know what set off this kind of thinking and emotion but I have been giving it quite a lot of thought. Obviously I am not planning to having children any time soon, but now I can definitely see myself having a kid. I guess I'm growing up and now that I have moved away from my family back at home, I don't have that family environment around me anymore and I guess I finally feel like I want to have a family of my own in the future. This comes as a shock to me as I have always thought that I will be a bachelorette, party and be single until 35 and then probably die of a drug overdose. I had absolutely no problem with that, in fact I liked that plan very much. Perhaps its teenage mentality that I am now moving on from.

I remember when I was about 16 years old I really wanted a baby and I wanted it then at that specific time although I knew that it was irrational and would never happen it didn't stop me from wanting it. I talked to the school counselor (i used him to escape math class back in the day) and he told me that perhaps I was feeling like this because I was lonely and because I wanted someone to love and protect and to receive unconditional love from, I had the desire to be needed and depended on. Maybe that could apply at the current situation, although I wouldn't consider myself lonely, I have an amazing boyfriend who I am deeply in love with and as far as I know he loves me very much as well. Maybe its the desire for someone to absolutely NEED you and depend on you entirely and the want to take care of someone very vulnerable and innocent. Is that my motherly instincts finally waking up inside me? I would say its about time.

I think for now, I am going to have to replace having a kid by buying a dog See if I still want a kid after having to pick up my dogs shit off the street. haa

I am so deeply in love I cant even express it. He is so perfect, he is everything to me. I cannot imagine what I would do without him now that I have him. I am so afraid that I am not good enough of a girlfriend to him, i want to be bettter, i want to be perfect. i want to do everything right, i want to make him smile 24/7, he deserves the best. We are so different, we are like two opposites, but I guess that is what makes us such a good couple. I can see myself being with him forever, I could never stop loving him. He does everything right, he never makes me upset or angry, we never fight. I dont know if I make him feel the same way, I hope I do, because the way he makes me feel is absolutely amazing. For the first time in my life I am so in love that other men simply dont exist to me, I dont even see them. They can be fucking attractive and be throwing themselves at me but all i see them as is a nuisance, like annoying insects that just wont fuck off. There is only one man for me and I love everything about him and he is the only one who has every made me want to be the best version of myself. He is the only one who makes me a better person. He is the only person I would every change for, and all he would have to do is ask. I love him.